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Thursday, August 25, 2011

Something funny for a change.

I love court room dramas, always have. From Clarence Darrow, Perry Mason, A Few Good Men right up to the TV Series Law and Order even though Jack McCoy is a bit too self righteous for my taste. I like them all, reading books about them, watching them at the cinema or on TV, it makes no difference. The lawyer in them is always so bright, displaying their intelligence and cleverness at every turn so when I was sent the following I just had to pass it on:-

Old ones but still hilarious!!!
  

IT CAN BE HARD KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE AS A COURT REPORTER
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.
 
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS:      He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS:      My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS:      Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS:      No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS:      July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS:      Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS:      Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS:      Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS:      Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS:      I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS:  Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
       
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS:      He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS:      Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS:      Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS:      Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS:      Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS:      None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS:      Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.  Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS:      By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS:      Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS:      He was about medium height and had a beard. ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS:      Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS:      No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS:      All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS:      Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY:  Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS:      The autopsy started around 8:30 PM.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS:      If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS:      Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS:      No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS:      No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS:      No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS:      No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS:      Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS:      Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

1 comment:

Donna said...

Hi. I found your blog accidentally but I am very glad I did. I just finished reading some of the things people have said in court - one guess where I'm going next - Amazon! I am a new GFC follower and hope you'll pop over to my blog for a visit and follow. Look forward to reading more here. Donna

http://mylife-in-stories.blogspot.com